Pundits go tabloid over politicians’ marriages

Gene Lyons

Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Its amazing what you can learn in a supermarket checkout line. Like
every red-blooded American man, I yearn to comfort poor Jennifer for
what Brad did to her. Im also worried about Jessica and Nick, whoever
they are. The tabloids say their marriage is on the rocks. Reportedly,
so is George and Laura Bush’s 29-year marriage. According to a recent
issue of the Globe, old Dubya’s hitting the Jack Daniels again. A
family friend confided that after their last fight over booze, [the
president and first lady ] just stopped talking period. I hate it when
that happens. Bill and Sen. Hillary Clinton, too. The New York Times
recently put 2000 anonymously sourced words on its front page
speculating about their marriage. Evidently, several prominent New York
Democrats pronounced themselves concerned about, get this, an earlier
Globe photo depicting Bill leaving a Manhattan restaurant with a dozen
people, among them a hot, blond Canadian politician. The Times thought
that couldn’t help but fuel coverage in the gossip pages. Now you’d
ordinarily think hot, blond Canadian politician a contradiction in
terms, like leggy basset hound or world champion Chicago Cubs. But
the nation’s crackerjack political press was serving notice: If Hillary
runs for president, it’ll make headlines any time Bill appears in the
same time zone with an attractive woman. They’ll be sniggering like
Beavis and Butthead on Meet the Press and Hardball. Are they, like,
doing it ?

But hey, if the Times is going tabloid, why not go all the way? Remember
Bills alleged three-breasted mistress? More photos, please. The
difference is that I’m pretty sure tabloid scribes are laughing when
they write that stuff.

Look, there’s no denying that Bill asked for it. But is this any way to
run a democracy? The Times interviewed 50 people in psychoanalyzing the
Clintons. It did an exhaustive compilation of their schedules to
determine how many nights a month they spend together: on average, 14,
which is going to make most long-distance truckers, not to mention
National Guardsmen in Iraq, envious.

Anyway, based on approximately a quarter-century of Clinton-watching (I
live in Arkansas), here’s my guide to press accounts of their marriage:
Anybody who’s talking doesn’t know; anybody who knows aint talking.

Other peoples marriages are a foreign country where you don’t speak the
language. Grow up, for heavens sake. This country has serious indeed,
grave problems. Who cares how often the senator from New York gets laid?

Maureen Dowd and David Broder, that’s who. Shortly after the Times
tabloid-style exclusive, Hillary gave a speech at the National Press
Club about energy policy. What the newspapers ace columnist got out of
it was that she hated Hillary’s blinding yellow pantsuit, and that Al
Gore must hate her for stealing his issue.

Broder, the so-called dean of Washington pundits, also hated the
pantsuit. He wrote that the buzz in the room was not about her speech,
but the Times gossip about the aforementioned alleged Canadian hussy.
Who cares if Hillary has what Broder sneeringly described as a rational
plan that will, she says, not only move the nation substantially toward
energy independence but improve living standards for almost every
American?

No, the real issue to these jokers is that her husbands a hound dog,
she’s a cold, manipulative shrew and their marriage a politically
inspired sham. The real issue is that Hillary thinks she’s smarter than
you or smarter than Dowd and Broder anyway, which may be the crux of the
matter. Smarter than me, too, for the record, except that I got over
being outclassed playing high school basketball. Some people never
adjust.

Thats the only explanation I’ve got for a transcendentally inane piece
of mind-reading by Slates editor, Jacob Weisberg. He scrutinized a list
of Hillary’s top 10 iPod songs (Stones, Beatles, Aretha Franklin, the
Eagles, U 2 ) and pronounced her a calculating phony.

In point of fact, he wrote, I doubt that the relentlessly driven
Hillary Clinton spends much time listening to music of any kind. And
whose iPod list proves him a Regular Guy? Why, George W. Bush, of course
(Creedence Clearwater, Van Morrison, George Jones). Bush, see,
doesn’t worry about being politically correct or care what other people
think of him. Then how come Bush wears cowboy clothes and talks about
ranchin’ although there’s no evidence he’s ever owned cows or horses?
Because he’s indifferent to public opinion? Please. All politicians care
deeply what other people think of them. Will the Times profile the
marriages of prospective GOP candidates Rudy Giuliani and Sen. John
McCain, with five wives between them? Not likely. The scripted D.C.
pundits have their theme for 2008. As in 2000 and 2004, the Democratic
candidates an elitist phony, the Republicans authentic. No matter
who wins the nomination.


Lily Tomlin said it best. "No matter how cynical I get, I just can't
keep up."